The "C" Word

Do you believe that everything happens for a reason?  That you are in this exact moment for a reason?  I do and here's why....

About 3 months ago a co worker happened to see a mole behind my ear that she was very adamant I should get checked out.  Umm ok...I don't have time for that... I'm busy.  I don't like doctors.  I'd rather live blissful unaware or would I?  I don't know, I'm internally conflicted on that, but she was persistent and I made the appointment. The soonest I could get in was a month out.  Perfect!  I pushed it to the back of mind and was able to focus my energy onto the next thing.   The stars aligned (didn't realize this at the time) and my appointment was pushed up 3 weeks due to cancellation. So I go in, thinking I'll be given the once over, the doctor will confirm my co-worker was just overly cautious and I'll be back to work in 30 minutes. Not. The. Case.  I ended up having 4 biopsies done.   Ok, still no big deal, people have biopsies done all the time.  Pushed to the back of my mind.  Onto the next thing.  Two weeks later, I get a call that I need to come in immediately (IMMEDIATELY?!?) and discuss the results. Not. Good.  That Monday I learned that I had Melanoma and was scheduled the very next day for surgery. Not much time to process.  

The emotions I felt the week after having surgery ranged from the highest of highs to the lowest of lows.  I've been consumed with memories of my mom mostly.  She had Melanoma and I still vividly remember the physical scars that it left behind.   I spent most of the past week thinking of how strong she was to go thru everything that she did and do it with grace, hope, faith and dignity.  I didn’t handle the news nearly as well as she did.   I can admit, I had plenty of crying sessions in my shower thinking that my path was very much mimicking that of my mother.  Then I immediately felt guilty, I'm still here, my mom isn't.  Oh the highs and lows.  

I am a person that’s life is consumed with fear, the fear of not being a good mother, wife, employee, not living up to others expectations and the biggest fear of all dying in the way my mother did.  I think watching someone you love either go thru cancer treatment or pass away from cancer, changes you.  It’s not something I go a day without thinking about. 

I've had a harsh realization that Cancer comes in many different forms.  Even the cancer that is most likely to be treated can be fatal if not detected early enough.  I’ve said this out loud and to myself a hundred times this past week:  How does the whitest woman in Florida get skin cancer?  I’m never outside, I’m not someone that spends hours at the beach or laying by the pool?  How does this happen?  And the reality is, it can happen to anyone. 

Risk Factors:
•Having had blistering sunburns at any time of life.
•Getting intense sun exposure every now and then.
•Fair skin that doesn't tan and tends to sunburn or freckle, along with blue or green eyes or red or blond hair.
•Numerous moles and/or more than one atypical mole.
•A large mole you have had since birth.
•A personal or family history of melanoma.
•Changes in your genes, like the change that causes a skin disease called Xeroderma pigmentosum. 

This is my new reality and now I wonder how, once you've heard that you have cancer, that you are more susceptible to recurrence, you move forward without living in fear?  I guess, I'll figure that out.  But for now, I'm here.  Blessed and thankful for my life.  With a renewed sense of self and desire to live a more authentic life.  

Please, please, please have your annual checks.  Please make time for yourself.  Please make your health a priority.  We all live busy lives, working, parenting, trying to find a balance in this crazy world, but you have to find time for yourself

xoxo
~E

Hello and welcome to my little piece of the internet!  

After what has been one of the most trying weeks of my life (more on that to follow), I have decide that perhaps starting a blog and sharing my thoughts and feelings would be therapeutic for me.  After all, those that know me, know that I like to share.  I'm very open and honest when it comes to my life and you never know how one thing you say may change or impact another person. 

In all fairness and full disclosure, I'm not really sure what this blog will turn in to.  I imagine it will be a place where I share what is prominent in my life at that moment from dealing with the grief of losing my mother to cancer, being a parent, my own struggles with fear and people pleasing and everything in between.  

I hope you enjoy you this little glimpse into my life.  Thanks for coming on this journey with me!

xoxo~
E